Paulo Coelho, the international best selling author most known for his book The Alchemist, often writes about the journey of following your dream or Personal Legend. Mr. Coelho has said that "following your dream is like learning a foreign language; you will make mistakes but you will get there in the end."The Alchemist is the story of a shepard searching for his Personal Legend and the journey of self discovery on which he embarks. This is a book that I continue to read to sooth me in times of difficulty. Coelho writes of an old man who gives encouragement to Santiago, the protagonist, when he feels that he has been foolish to attempt to find his dream. He writes ". . . when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth. . . . And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping your achieve it" (The Alchemist, p.22).
Many of you know that we want to leave Florida. Part of my being home full time is to assist in finding jobs and sending resumes. This process of trying to move has been much longer then either of anticipated - it has been humbling. While we continue to apply to jobs in many places, if I am to pursue my Personal Legend then I must admit that I have dreamed of living overseas, in Europe, of learning German, and allowing my children the opportunity to learn more of the world then I ever knew as a child. I didn't grow up poor, but I grew up simple, and the idea that a kid from small town Maine would have such opportunities seems foolish and I have dismissed this dream time and again. Especially since this dream has no rational, nothing that I can point to to explain it other then simple desire.
PH has an interview on Thursday for a job that would allow us to live this dream. It is a job that he applied to almost a year ago, the interview has been set and cancelled before, the position in question, and now, it appears to be open and they still want to interview him and he still wants the job. I try very hard not to wear my heart on my sleeve, not to allow myself to hope and want too much. If I express desire aloud and it doesn't happen, I feel failure and embarrassment for wanting too much.
I am putting this one out there. I know there is no perfect job or place to live. I know this change would come with numerous obstacles that I have not even begun to imagine. I know that I should look at the odds and be rational,
I want this. So please - good thought, positive energy, prayers, whatever you've got to put out in the Universe, I'll take it.
"" . . . People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly."
"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."" (Coelho, The Alchemist, p.130).
In our almost ten years of living in this house, it appears that the fact that I mow the yard (instead of my husband or a yard service) is still a topic of conversation. I knew I was upsetting the apple cart when we moved in and I was introduced as "This is Hexe. I'm sure you seen her out mowing her yard." And then it was a riding mower, which isn't a whole lot of work.
Now that I've moved on to the push mower (less damage to the grass during the dry humid months), it appears to have renewed the discussion. Today, I was stopped mid-mow by a women from the back of the neighborhood who informed me that her husband better not see me because he'd already asked her why she couldn't help with the yard. Um, sorry - I guess?!? If you don't want to mow your grass, then don't, but is it really such a big deal that I mow mine. The kids are outside and I'd rather accomplish something then sit around. Plus the push mower is a work-out in the scorching Florida sun and as my work-outs are now limited to those I can complete with two kids in tow, I can use all the help I can get.
I know I grew up in a whole different culture ("the Northeast"), but it was not a big deal to have ovaries and mow the yard there. As soon as we were old enough not to run over each other, mowing became our chore. My sister and I split the yard - one of us taking the larger but flatter front yard and the other taking the smaller, but hilly back yard. At my Grandparent's farm, my Grandmother even drove the tractor during summer haying when the crew was short numbers. I can imagine the outcome if that happened here - they'd probably call an emergency homeowner meeting to discuss it.
The whole division of labor has been and will continue to be a topic of discussion in our house. I'm home so I do more. I am not a delicate flower who leaves the dirty jobs to my husband. I'd rather mow the yard, then clean the bathroom any day. The down side of being home is once the kids are out of school, there is no time that is mine. Nothing changes for PH when the kids leave school, but I surrender all of my free time. In another week or so, the kidsy will begin a few activities so I will at least have two hours that are mine and I can exercise daily, but then I leave for Maine and the kids are once again mine full time. Sometimes I wonder if it is just the heat here that makes me so grumpy in the summers . . .
1. My grandfather has been admitted to the hospital and is having an operation. He is the last of my grandparents alive. Even though he does have dementia and hasn't a clue who we are anymore, he's the last and I really would prefer if he could put off dying a bit longer. And I am not asking just because I am the executor of his will, and his estate will a giant mess.
2. The kids are out of school and we are not heading to Maine until July - like mid-July. It's hot and they need to be entertained and the rest of the schools are not out yet. Tomorrow at Hubby's suggestion, we are building a volcano (wth!).
3. A friend has lied to me. Not those little lies - like "no I don't dye my hair" or "of course, you haven't gained a pound!" But one of those lies that played on my emotions and resulted in me doing something for her that I would have never done if I'd known the truth. The betrayal kind of lie. It's not like I make friends easily here in Hell, and over the years I have done some very nice things for this friend and been there in some really difficult times. It's the kind of lie where you begin to believe that you should never confide in any other person because they will only use your soft spots to manipulate you. I'm ragingly angry and so damn hurt. Not sure how this will end quite yet other then I tend to be a burn the forest and the bridge down sort of person once I feel betrayed.
4. It's summer and it's hot and I really hate Florida.