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31 October 2006

Just call me the Scrooge of Halloween

I love autumn. It is the time of year I miss the most living in the God forsaken Mouseland. I love Halloween - carving pumpkins, the kids all excited to dress up and go door to door in the neighborhood, shrieking over their favorite candy, proudly showing off their costume to their friends. Ah, Halloween . . .

Over the years living here, I have come to accept that our neighborhood is one where many parents drop their children off in order to trick or treat. I have learned not to question where the kids are from and just smile and hand out fifty dollars worth of junk that will rot through their teeth as they sleep tonight. After all, it's Halloween . . .

BUT (you knew there was a but coming) . . .

BUT, there comes a point in time when it's time to retire the costume. When I was a kid, it was around age twelve or thirteen. You were in middle school, you were a teenager, you were already feeling awkward and a costume certainly didn't help - you were too old and you knew it. It appears that today's teenagers have not been made aware of the age limit. So below are some suggestions for today's youth in order to determine their eligibilty for trick or treating.


  • If you are old enough to shave any part of your body, you're too old.
  • If you can drive, you're too old.
  • If you walk away from the door with your hand on your girlfriend's ass, you're too old.
  • If you have had elective surgery to enhance certain body parts or reduce other parts, you're too old.
  • If you have impregnated someone or birthed a child, you're too old.
  • If you have your own credit card or checking account without a parental co-signer, you're too old
  • If you don't know how to get off the damn cell phone while your candy bag is open, you're too old.
  • If you qualify to earn minimum wage, you're too old.
  • If you can't be bothered to put on a costume, you are too old.
  • If you can legally buy alcohol (or you're old enough to desire a fake I.D.), you're too old.
  • If you're costume is a tattoo and (visible) body piercings, you're too old.
  • If you're old enough to access porn on the internet, you're too old.
  • If you dress as a playboy bunny, you're too old.

Unfortunately, this has been my evening and I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

7 comments:

Ms Mac said...

With you and your rules and me and my fruit and cheese to hand out, together we could ruin Halloween for everyone!

Mwahahahahaha!

hazasaem said...

I have always subscribed to these rules as well and hubby thinks I'm a fun hater and I'm like "come on....that kid had a mustache that didn't require spirit gum!"
My 5th grader thinks he's probably too old next year and wants to hide in our yard and scare people or something.
But, these rules are interesting and should be voted on by Congress. Never mind, like that would EVER work.

hexe said...

Ms. Mac - I love the fruit and cheese hand out. We had some of PH's single friends stay in our home once while we were out of town. They of course had forgotten about Halloween and when the doorbell rang and they were confronted with a trick or treater they handed out what they had on hand - tacos from Taco Bell. Those neighbors have never been back!

Sunshine - You expect members of Congress to teach personal responsiblity and maturity? Need I say more . . .

Sunshine said...

Perhaps if Congress had costume contests, more of the dumbasses would actually show up to vote and do their jobs!

Expat Traveler said...

oh geeze that does sound bad! Just start handing out cheese to the older ones!!! haha - love that suggestion from ms mac!! Now that would be funny! OR rainsins!!! it will teach them...

By the way, I was at photo class.

Deb said...

LOL Love the list!

I wore a costume this Halloween, but I wasn't trick-or-treating, it was for a party. I'm not too old for that though am I? ;o)

Anonymous said...

i live in Neww york but i would rather live anywhere else...
especially FLorida!
seriously, how could you not love florida i looks so beautyful.


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