06 November 2007
Two Roads Diverged . . .
I need to make a decision and soon. This job of teaching was suppose to become easier this year - I am no longer new, and I have materials now, and I've done some of it before. Yet, I am still working nearly every evening and on the weekend too. Some is me I'm sure, but some is that instead of replacing a teacher who left last year they increased the number of students in my classes, and put me in charge of a year-round student activity, and I still teach Advanced Placement classes and my scores have to remain high. I have tried to manage this - working mornings and nights so I do not have to work on weekends, trying to only work one or two weekend a month and leaving my nights free. Nothing has worked. The end result is that I am exhausted, slightly insane, and have little quality time with my family. I know this is a dilemma faced by many working women, but I am lucky enough that I can chose not to work. Wealthy we're not, but comfortable yes, and my pittance of a salary does little in the way of contributing to our overall family budget. So I need to make a decision - I've always worked, always contributed financially, and have always known that if needed, I could independently and financially survive. Not working outside the home seems as though I failed, that I was incapable of being a good mother and a good employee at the same time. I feel like a traitor. Yet I know that I am missing too much - too many of those moments of childhood that I can't recapture and I feel physically ill and tears gather when I think about it. I NEED TO MAKE A DECISION.