The Beginning

After months (years) of talking, debating, assessing, analyzing, arguing, and evaluating, we have finally begun. We had decided that we would start sending out resumes at beginning of the new year and then we became aware of two positions being advertised now. Positions that seem to fit all of PH's requirements (and mine) - positions far away from this state, requiring an English speaking attorney in an American corporation, across an ocean, for a defined period that can be extended, in a place where we don't speak the language but it snows. In less than fifteen minutes, we decided that it didn't matter if we applied now or in January, we were both ready. So today, after a week of writing, rewriting, editing, revising, and with a kiss for luck, the first resume packet went out. It will shortly be followed by a second one, hopefully by the end of next week. Additionally, more positions have been found and more packets will be sent out.

I cried with relief.

We have a wonderful life here, but for years I have been ready to leave. I feel like I must justify why we want to leave. After all, we're not sure where we want to go so is this just a case of the grass is always greener? And we have security here, especially financially. Why throw that away for the unknown, my family (the only people who know about this) ask. So we should remain out of fear? We have remained here only for PH's job and that is no longer enough. I am grateful for it - it has allowed us opportunities and given us a safety net. I am ready for some calculated risk. I'll never be one who will put all my cares to the wind, but I am ready for this change we have been planning for so long.

The odds of any of these early resumes being "the one" is slim. This move will bring with it some substantial changes - I'll probably be a "haus frau" for awhile; but after this last year where my own family's needs have been sacrificed for ten months out of year so I can tend to the needs of other children, I am looking forward to this change. And maybe, there's another career path for me? Financially we will being saving less. I'll probably freak out and second guess and become frustrated with my lack of language skills and the cultural change. I wonder how my children will adapt? But I look forward to this challenge and finding out whether the expat life is an option for us. I wish I could control the racing thoughts, the "what if"s, my incessant need to know how it ends and to control it all. And yet, I am thrilled by the unknown. I wish I had the crystal ball that gave me the "right" answer; I'm not sure I believe there is "right" answer. I also wish I could say this all out loud here so it was more real. Leading this double life is hard. Pretending to be part of a community while looking for the exit door.

I wish I could keep this blog all about photos and tales of places far away. Fun stuff. Unfortunately for now, real life is keeping me pretty damn busy. And periodically, I need some place to say all the things I wish I could say out loud. This is what this blog has become when I'm not forcing myself to keep it all light.

So feel free to give me advice, to tell me I'm crazy for leaving, to encourage me to go, to assess all the good and bad of change and growth and moving. You'll only be adding to what I'm already thinking. And thanks to all of those who have already giving me some to think about by writing your blogs and responding to my emails.