Wish I was there . .
My passport is ready and I can be packed in minutes.

08 September 2007

The Beginning


After months (years) of talking, debating, assessing, analyzing, arguing, and evaluating, we have finally begun. We had decided that we would start sending out resumes at beginning of the new year and then we became aware of two positions being advertised now. Positions that seem to fit all of PH's requirements (and mine) - positions far away from this state, requiring an English speaking attorney in an American corporation, across an ocean, for a defined period that can be extended, in a place where we don't speak the language but it snows. In less than fifteen minutes, we decided that it didn't matter if we applied now or in January, we were both ready. So today, after a week of writing, rewriting, editing, revising, and with a kiss for luck, the first resume packet went out. It will shortly be followed by a second one, hopefully by the end of next week. Additionally, more positions have been found and more packets will be sent out.

I cried with relief.

We have a wonderful life here, but for years I have been ready to leave. I feel like I must justify why we want to leave. After all, we're not sure where we want to go so is this just a case of the grass is always greener? And we have security here, especially financially. Why throw that away for the unknown, my family (the only people who know about this) ask. So we should remain out of fear? We have remained here only for PH's job and that is no longer enough. I am grateful for it - it has allowed us opportunities and given us a safety net. I am ready for some calculated risk. I'll never be one who will put all my cares to the wind, but I am ready for this change we have been planning for so long.

The odds of any of these early resumes being "the one" is slim. This move will bring with it some substantial changes - I'll probably be a "haus frau" for awhile; but after this last year where my own family's needs have been sacrificed for ten months out of year so I can tend to the needs of other children, I am looking forward to this change. And maybe, there's another career path for me? Financially we will being saving less. I'll probably freak out and second guess and become frustrated with my lack of language skills and the cultural change. I wonder how my children will adapt? But I look forward to this challenge and finding out whether the expat life is an option for us. I wish I could control the racing thoughts, the "what if"s, my incessant need to know how it ends and to control it all. And yet, I am thrilled by the unknown. I wish I had the crystal ball that gave me the "right" answer; I'm not sure I believe there is "right" answer. I also wish I could say this all out loud here so it was more real. Leading this double life is hard. Pretending to be part of a community while looking for the exit door.

I wish I could keep this blog all about photos and tales of places far away. Fun stuff. Unfortunately for now, real life is keeping me pretty damn busy. And periodically, I need some place to say all the things I wish I could say out loud. This is what this blog has become when I'm not forcing myself to keep it all light.

So feel free to give me advice, to tell me I'm crazy for leaving, to encourage me to go, to assess all the good and bad of change and growth and moving. You'll only be adding to what I'm already thinking. And thanks to all of those who have already giving me some to think about by writing your blogs and responding to my emails.

11 comments:

Sunshine said...

I don't feel its enough to simply "exist" in a place that you don't love, or at least, like. Being somewhere that feeds a need inside you is the ideal, but at least not living in a place, no matter how great the jobs are, sometimes isn't a good enough trade off.

I would NOT be one of those people asking why you're leaving perfectly good/comfortable jobs. I would be saying, go for the adventure!!

christina said...

Oooooh! This is good news. :-)

RennyBA said...

Sometimes it's time to move on in life. My feeling after reading this is that your ready for it so I'll say go for it and good luck!

Mountain Dweller said...

I can't remember who it was who said that more often than not we regret the things that we don't do in life, rather than the things that we do. So go for it!

EuroTrippen said...

Well you know where I stand on this. At the risk of sounding like a Pollyanna, the decision to uproot my family and move to another country has been truly life-affirming.

That said, it's not all rainbows and sunshine (thank god for that because I'm not a rainbows & sunshine kinda girl!)... there are plenty of days when I'm ready to pull my hair out. When the kiddos are sick and I've had them back to the doctor 3 weeks running and he STILL won't hand out effing antibiotics. Or when I'm just sick & tired of constantly functioning at the reading / writing / speaking / comprehension level of a five year old. Those days blow...

But then there are the times when we're sitting by the Elbe staring at 800 plus years of history and I think to myself "this is it. this is what it's all about". Or when I drop Sydney off at school and listen as she speaks to her friends in 3 different languages.

I'm really pulling for you to find your way out here. Not just because I know it's what you want, but because I think you're one of the ones who'd take the experience and run with it.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you...

ECS said...

just be aware you may be starting a family trend! My grandfather moved his family in 1949 (3 kids and wife) and my mom's stories of growing up in Brazil & Europe are a part of why I'm living the expat life now. It's gonna be a lot of work but the adventure and the increased awareness of living Somewhere Else is definitely worth it.

Ms Mac said...

What an exciting time. Living in Europe is definitely a challenge but the amount of personal growth you experience as part of that is invaluable. I'll keep my fingers firmly crossed for you.

hexe said...

Thanks to all for the encouragement. Now that we have begun I would like to leave yesterday. Unfortunately, the hiring process is at best, a couple month process so I guess I'll have to be patient (well, I'll at least try to be) for a bit longer.

I'd don't expect roses and sunshine but I want to be one of those people who takes chances. I'm all for planning - it's a lawyer thing - but I want my kids to learn to how to take risks and understand that there is a world beyond your back yard. It's corny but you only get to live once and I don't want to wonder "what if" on this one. I'll keep all of you posted.

RennyBA said...

Hello Hexe. I just have to tell you that my wife have done a guest post about The Spirit of the Norwegian Soul and since she is an American visited the Mountains again, I though you might like to read.

Merisi said...

Continue sending out those resumes!
Get us much information as you can about your expenses and compensation for them. Moving across a continent is expensive. Serious employers know that and are generous. Beware of the stingy ones. What may look generous, may not be. Compare, evaluate. Make sure your eventual relocation (back to the States) is covered too.
This said, of course I am all for going out and see the world. It's incredibly life-affirming. Been there, done that, never regretted any.
The best of luck to you!
(Languages can be learned pretty fast, if one applies oneself seriously once in the country, trust me. *g*)

Merisi said...

If your spirit is not present where you are, and you feel intuitively called elsewhere, you must hearken to your inner voice. I am not encouraging you to be irresponsible and run away from things you need to do. I am encouraging you to be responsive to your spirit. It is not responsible to engage in activities that affront your soul. Honor your soul by being where you belong. ~ Alan Cohen

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Hexe, I stole this from Lynette. Had to. :-)