Last year Hexe and I went on vacation to St. Wolfgang in Austria. Our flight connected through Munich, Germany. On the way to Austria we stopped at a German beer garden and had lunch. Neither of us pooped. It didn’t count. But this year, I was able to get Germany all to my own. Or, so I think I did. You will have to let me know your thoughts.
Hexe says that in order for us to earn a country, you must eat an actual meal and poop in the country to claim it as your own. Potato chips and airports don’t count. So far I have Canada, Norway, France, Switzerland, Austria, Sweden, and Denmark. Florida also counts. Last year neither of us pooped at the German beer garden, but this trip I was the one who pooped -- and Germany is all mine! Let me explain…
During this vacation Hexe and I were driving from France to Switzerland. On the way we had to stop and buy a vignette for the car. The vignette cost 25 euro even though we only planned to spend one day in Switzerland, but it was worth it. Since we had to stop at a rest area to purchase the vignette, I chose to stop at one located in Germany. If I could poop, then Germany would be mine. But, when I went in to claim it as my own, this is what I saw (sorry, for some reason I cannot upload my own photo).
What the hell kind of toilet is this? How do I use it? Apparently, there must have been a budget cut and they were unable to purchase the WHOLE toilet. I was eager not to lose Germany to Hexe so I did my best. The problem was where do I stand? Do I squat? I know that squatting is the oldest known mode of human elimination, but if I squat, then how far down do I go? What do I hold on to so that I don’t lose my balance? How do I avoid splatter? Do I leave my shoes on? God knows I didn’t want to slip and fall in the hole. I began to question if I really wanted Germany today.
Before claiming the fatherland I made sure of the location of the flushing mechanism. To my joy I was happy to see hand rails were attached to the walls. I held on (use your imagination here) and claimed Germany for my own. However, now I had a real problem. There was no toilet paper. Apparently, the budget cut was worse than I thought. After doing a little dance, I went looking for paper in the other stalls, but they were ALL OCCUPIED! Apparently, everyone wanted Germany today. Since I speak German worse than French, I chose to look for some paper towels.
Unfortunately, this bathroom still has those old wrap around cloth towel machines. These are the ones where you pull down on the nasty cloth for some “clean” cloth and then the old used nasty cloth disappears back up into the machine. (I firmly believe it never gets replaced. Instead the cloth just wraps around, magically cleans itself, and comes out again.) So, rather than attempt to use the mystery towel machine I went looking for Hexe.
As I came out she noticed my walk was a little different and asked me if I was okay. After explaining my “situation” Hexe was nice enough to gather a huge wad of toilet paper from the ladies room.
Hexe confirmed she didn’t poop, so Germany is now all mine. Although, I am not sure if it was worth it.
PS: Hexe is still up north and has no real internet access. She’ll be back soon. Until then you get me, PH.