This was my life four weeks ago. My kids, my nieces, and the lake. It all just seems like a distant memory now.

This new job experience has thrown me for a loop. I'm struggling to keep up day to day. My confidence in my decision making has drastically diminished. I made a career change for the future - to benefit my family. Yet, now I'm working more hours than I have in four years, for less money, and for much less respect. I question this decision daily.

Some is the job, but some just seems to be the way I'm wired. I struggle with change. I'm such a contradiction because I'm constantly working towards the future and looking for ways to challenge myself, but dramatic change puts me over the proverbial edge. This experience has me questioning our thoughts about a possible overseas move (however, I am more certain that we need to leave Florida). How would I handle such a drastic change? Would I be able to adapt? Is that idea just an ideal?

Thanks to those of you who have recently sent me a positive note. I can not say how much those have meant this past week. I'm going to try to let this go for now and see where I am in a few months when the job isn't so new. Hopefully, with a little more sleep, a little more knowledge, and a lot less stress, my confidence will return. And hopefully, I'll have a little more time to blog :)

Suggestions?

After a week in the new job, I am not anxious to leave my warm bed and begin my work week. After a few tense days last week, administration relented and backed off their unreasonable demands on my time. Even with the modifications, I think it will take me some time to become comfortable with my "new life." So, until that happens, I'm planning a trip for my kids' spring break in March. Traveling with an almost three-year-old and a five-year-old just screams stress relief, doesn't it?

The question of the weekend has been where to go for one week in mid-March with two small children. We've talked about Northern New England - a visit to Boston and then spring skiing in New Hampshire, but we are definitely looking for some other ideas. We considered an overseas trip, but with the lack of time and the kids' ages, it would need to be a direct flight (or a great deal :) ), which seriously limits our options. The only requirement is that I get to leave the State of Florida. So, suggestions anyone?

The Biggest Mistake?

Well, I have been back to work full-time in a new career for just over a week and I am seriously thinking that I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I understand that adjusting and learning a new career takes time, but I am beyond overwhelmed at this point. My immediate supervisor has already gotten into trouble for having the audacity to suggest to the "powers that be" that overloading me this early will lead to a disaster. As he has been told to back off, I am now on my own to try to navigate this new job.

What is so ironic is that before when I was a "customer" and not an employee, I was always right, my opinion was valued, and I was treated with respect. The moment I changed to employee, my status changed and it has become perfectly acceptable to bully me into taking on much more than my contract required. I already miss the time I had with my kids and am struggling to figure out how to balance all this. Thankfully, PH has been wonderful and has stepped up to take on so much of what I used to do. Realistically, that can't go on forever and I just hope I can find a way to get it all done without screwing up royally.

So much for my promise that I wouldn't blog about work . . .

My First Friday Feast

Here's my First Feast:

Appetizer: Tell about a toy you remember from your childhood.
I had Weebles (you know, "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down") that my neighbor stole. He peeled off their plastic faces and clothing, and painted on new faces and clothes. His mom found them and made him return them and apologize. I was the only kid with customized Weebles.

Soup: If you could make one thing in the world absolutely free for everyone, what would it be?
A quality education.

Salad: Approximately how many times per day do you think about your significant other?
It depends on the day – usually around three. However, if the kids are being whiny, it increases as I count the minutes until he gets home.

Main Course: What is something you believe in 100%?
Manners. Is it so damn hard to use please, thank-you, and you're welcome?

Dessert: Name one thing you have done this week that you would consider a "good deed."
I took a young colleague to lunch. She just moved here and I was reminded of when I moved here ten years ago and how kind people had been to me.

Enjoy the meal!

Time to face the music and put the doughnut down

Yesterday I had to have my picture taken for my new job. I hate having my picture taken as it is a reminder that I'm not happy with how I look. And now I have to wonder why I don't do something about it.

Before kids, I was very active. I ran and worked out and easily maintained a single digit figure. My first pregnancy, I gained too much weight and was on bedrest for eight weeks. I never lost all the weight before number two arrived. Last year for a short time, I really committed myself to working out, but I didn't stick to it. Now with a new job, I have to wonder when I will find the time and why don't I make this a priority.

I understand the concept - less food in the mouth and move movement. I understand that being overweight is bad for my health - especially with a family history of diabetes and heart problems. I understand that I would feel better about myself and have more energy. So, why can't I get my arse up and make it happen?

Excuse me, where is the baby aisle?

Setting: Hexe running around kitchen like a deranged escapee trying to get dinner on the table. KK and Hew periodically wandering into the kitchen to throw toys on the floor and tattle on each other.

KK (meanders into kitchen holding her piggy bank): Momma, I want to buy a baby.

Hexe (distracted by hot items on stove): Uhuh.

KK (louder and more insistent): Momma! I got fifteen dollars. Is that enough to buy a baby?

Hexe (still preoccupied with hot stove): KK, you know that babies don't come from stores.

KK (sighing dramatically): I know that babies come from their mommy's belly, but then the mommy takes the baby to the grocery store for people to buy. So is fifteen dollars enough to buy a baby?

I have no idea where or how this thought developed as we have been to the grocery store more times than I can count and I have yet to see a baby aisle. Besides, if I knew during all those sleepless nights I could have sold my kids to Publix . . . . I think it best I don't finish this thought!

. . .and the vacation is over

Not only is my vacation over, but my new career begins next week. I am crossing the bridge from one life to another. Before children, I was a career woman. I worked nights and weekends when I had to without question. I worked hard and climbed the ladder. I knew who I was and where I was going.

And then KK came along and life changed. I changed jobs but still in the same field - a job that was more child friendly, part-time, flexible, and with the best boss I will ever have. After Hew was born and I went to my wonderful boss and explained my decision to change careers to something less glamorous, with less prestige, and even less money, but with more time for my children, he understood. The new career is more positive and contributes more to society. I am excited and scared.

I will never blog about my work - fear of being Dooced or sent along the way of Petite Anglaise keeps me silent. Also, the new job is not one I could discuss without betraying the trust placed in me. I only mention it now because for me life is changing. And with change comes the hope for the future . . .