Wish I was there . .
My passport is ready and I can be packed in minutes.

19 May 2006

Motherhood - the hardest job you'll ever love

I am a lucky woman. By the time I gave birth the KK and Hew, we were in a position to allow me to stay home full time - only I didn't. After six month maternity leaves, I went back to work part time after each child. I rationalized that the extra money allowed us to begin college savings and to travel home twice (and sometimes three times) a year to see family.

Right now with the career change, I am home full time until July and then I will go back to work. I love the time with my children, but I am reminded of how terrible I am as a stay-at-home-mom. I can't mange my children like I do my workload - they refuse to fall into order and it drives me crazy. There are great moments - like this morning when we made purple play-dough. And then all hell breaks loose when someone touches someone else toy, someone touches/hit/kicks the other, or someone sticks the purple playdough in the bedsheets. Most days I can laugh or take it in stride, but some days I get angry and frustrated and I feel like a failure.

Before our children were born, PerfectHusband and I agreed we would never discipline our children with a spanking. Although we had both been spanked and we didn't believe it hurt us, we believed that you can't teach a child to behavior by hitting. And that was all well and good until the kids learned the word NO. Normally, we use the time-out stool or we take away a favorite toy, but we have spanked our children (I feel the need to explain and say that we use a hand to the butt and have never left a mark). After I always feel as though I have failed at some Perfect Mommy standard that I will never meet.

I feel guilty that I don't want to be home full time - I don't want my children raised by nanny or daycare, but sometimes I need a break. My family is 1500 miles away and have their own lives. Work is my break - I'm in control there. Most days I am fine with my choice to work - I rationalize that I gave up full time work, changed jobs, and then careers to better fit my family life, yet I wonder is that enough? How much do I have to give up? And how horrible am I that sometimes I feel resentful?


Antipodeesse said...

Baby, I go through frequent bounts of resenting my family and mourning my lost freedom! That's why I blog, to get it out of my system: it's the cheapest therapy available. The bloggie friendships that develop are so helpful in a group-hug-fluffy-supporty kind of way! You can "meet" new friends you wouldn't physically have time for in real life. Welcome!

hexe said...

Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one who has bad Mommy moments. My mother and I often compare if it is harder to have children when you are younger and you don't realize what you are giving up, or when you are older and you already had a well established life that is dramtically changed? I think that everyone has their moments of insanity.

Expat Traveler said...

I've had those bad moments and I'm still not yet a mom, but I've been with kids all ages so it's an in training type of thing! I'd agree about needing a break. You need to do something you are not doing so that you can actually feel sane and normal again.